Episode 37

 me: Thanks for calling, how can I help you?

pt: I need a mamm and bone density test.

me: Okay, and what is your name?

pt: Um... it's Karen. Karen Smith. Date of birth 1-1-1950.

me: Has it been over two years since your last bone density test and over a year since your last mammogram?

pt: That's your job. You should know when my last mammogram was. I've never had a bone density test.  

me: It doesn't automatically show up. Give me one second while I take a look.

pt: Hurry it up, jeez.

me: Well it looks like your last bone density was November and mammogram was October. So we'll have to schedule after that date.

pt: You have the wrong patient. That's wrong. I have never have a bone density test before.

me: Uh... this is Karen Smith, correct?

pt: Yes.

me: DOB 1-1-50, who lives on Wisteria Lane?

pt: That's me. But I've never had this test before.

me: I'm not sure what to tell you. I have you as having a bone density two years ago. It's right here in the system. 

pt: No, you have something wrong. Look again.

me: Miss Smith, I'm looking right now. 2019 you had a bone density in November here.

pt: Well that's wrong!!

me: Okay, what do you want me to do about it. 

pt: Don't tell me it was 2019 because it wasn't! Stop making things up!

me: Do you want to schedule...or no... What do you want to do from here?

pt: Fine. I'll schedule my appointment. But you're lying. Your system is lying. 

*schedules appointment*

pt: Oh, and I have an order for an a-t-a-i-l doplex. 

me: I'm sorry, a doplex? Can you repeat that whole test one more time?

pt: A-T-I-A-L doplex! I just said that!

me: Do you have the doctor's phone number? I'll have to call because I have no idea what kind of test that is.

pt: Fine. Here's the number.

*calls doctor's office*

doctor: Yeah, the doctor has no notes on the patient needing any tests other than a mamm and bone density. The doctor did not order anything else. Tell the patient we will call her and see what she's talking about.

*hangs up with office, goes back to patient*

me: The office says they don't have any other tests on file for you to schedule. They said hold off for now and they will call you.

pt: They will what? Call me? Why? I don't want to talk to them? I just want to schedule my doplex.

me: That's not a test. They don't have anything else on file. You'll have to just wait for their call. 

pt: Whaaaa? What did you say??? I can't hear you?? *starts speaking different language*

me: