Episode 68

me: Central scheduling, how can I help you?

pt: I need to refill my prescription. It's expired.

me: That would be a call to your physician. I can't refill prescriptions, this is scheduling. For outpatient testing.

pt: Then give me the number.

me: I don't have that information. You can google it though.

pt: You seriously are telling me that you can't give me the phone number?

me: That is what I said, yes. I don't have all the physicians numbers.

pt: He's in Livonia!

me: Great, google will be able to give you that information.

pt: Useless *click

me: 

Episode 67

 pt: Hi I need to schedule an MRI.

me: What kind of MRI was ordered?

pt: Shoulder. Is it comprehensive?

me: What do you mean by that? 

pt: Nevermind. My arm looses feeling. I just need to know what is wrong with my arm.

me: Well, that's why your doctor ordered the test. To find out what's wrong with your arm.

pt: Must be those chicken mcnuggets I've been eating.

me: Oh yes, it's definitely a runaway nugg stuck in your arm.

pt: You're right, it's probably stuck deep in there. I love those nuggs. Are there people with COVID there? I'm scared I'm doing to die.

me: I mean, it is a hospital so there are COVID patients, yes. But they have their own wing so the outpatient area that you're going is not in direct contact with COVID patients.

pt: I am scared. I don't want to be in a room full of sick people.

me: At the door they screen patients by asking COVID screening questions, take temperatures, and everyone is wearing masks. 

pt: You're probably thinking, "just shut up Steve. Come to the hospital."

me: Nah, I'm just trying to schedule your appointment. So Saturday. Is that a good day for you?

pt: Works about as good as anything!

me: Alright. Come in through the front doors of the facility. Imaging is on the first floor. Any questions?

pt: Where do I go? 

me: I just tol-

pt: Oh wait, you just told me. I'm not okay in the head. This is weird. Now I'm embarrassed. I'm hanging up now.. Goodbye. *click

me: 

Episode 66

Monday

pt: Hi I need to schedule an appointment for my daughter, Casey. 

me: Looks like she hasn't been here before so I'll have to make a new account. Casey spelled C-A-S-E-Y?

pt: Yes. Last name is Smith.

me: and what test does she need?

pt: MRI.

me: *schedules appointment* Alright, you're all set! The department will call to do a pre-screening for Casey the day before the appointment so be prepared for that.

pt: Okay, thank you!

Thursday

pt: Hi, my daughter is scheduled for an MRI tomorrow, but it's the wrong daughter. I want to know how this happened.

me: Okay what is the name of the daughter who is currently scheduled?

pt: Casey. But it's not supposed to be Casey, it's supposed to be Melanie.

me: Oh, it looks like I scheduled this appointment. Does Casey need an MRI too? I remember you giving me the name Casey.

pt: No I didn't, I gave you Melanie. You must not have been listening. Melanie needs the MRI.

me: Oh, well okay. I do remember you specifically saying Casey. But it's not a problem, I will get it changed. It looks like Melanie would be a new patient as well. Is all the information the same for both Melanie and Casey?

pt: Yes, it is a problem. How did Casey get scheduled?

me: Like I said, you said Casey when we scheduled the appointment. So Casey is who I scheduled. But it's fine, I will get it changed to Melanie and you will still be good for the appointment tomorrow.

pt: This better not happen again. We will be there tomorrow. *click

me: 

Episode 65

 me: Hi, this is Emily calling from central scheduling at the place where I work. Is this Mr. Fred?

pt: Who did you say you were?

me: Central scheduling at place where I work.

pt: This is Mr. Fred. What do you want?

me: Well, your physician sent us an order for a vascular test for you, so I'm calling to see if you'd like to set up an appointment.

pt: Are you scamming me?

me: Um..no? Why would I be scamming you?

pt: My doctor didn't order any test. You're scamming me.

me: Doctor Alex ordered the test. Is that not your physician?

pt: That's my physician. I just saw him, he didn't tell me I needed a test. I don't want anything. This is clearly a scam. 

me: Then I'd recommend calling the physician because I can assure you, I'm not scamming you. I'll make a note you're calling your physician because you don't want the test done.

pt: Well now you're straight up lying. I didn't say I didn't want the test.

me: I'm sorry sir, you just told me that you don't want anything because you think I'm scamming you and the physician didn't order a test. 

pt: That's not true. You really are scamming me. This is ridiculous!

me: Okay I'm not sure what you want me to say. I can promise you I am not scamming you. 

pt: Goodbye!!

me: wut.

Episode 64

 pt: Hi, I need to schedule a CT scan.

me: Okay and your name and dob?

pt: Patrick, dob 12/20/40. Send me a card!

me: Card?

pt: For my birthday!

me: It's a little too soon for that, don't you think? It's not even December yet.

pt: Oh you think you're funny, huh. 

me: I mean, I know I'm funny. But what kind of CT scan do you need?

pt: CT of my abdomen. And I want mornings.

me: How about 8am on November 8. And it'd be at the new facility.

pt: That's fine with me. But new facility? They moved?

me: Yep! CTs are done now at the new facility. Would you like the address?

pt: Well why didn't they ask me about that first?

me: Ask you to move the ct scans?

pt: Yeah! Not even a courtesy call. What the heck is that about?

me: I mean, did you check your email? Maybe your personalized opinion form ended up in the spam folder.

pt: You really are a sassy one, huh. I like you. Thank you for that. I hope you have a fantastic day today! 

Episode 63

 doctor: My patient needs to have a venous duplex scheduled.

me: Okay, I have the patient pulled up. It doesn't look like you've put the order in the system. We do have to have the order put in first, before we can set up the appointment.

doctor: I don't know how many times I have to tell you all. I don't have access to the system. I can't put the order in.

me: Well all your other test orders go into the system and all doctors who use the system do have to use the electronic orders. Could you try one more time please while we're on the phone?

doctor: It's not going to work, but whatever. I'll try again.

doctor: I put the order in. Do you see it?

me: Nope, doesn't look like it worked. 

doctor: Every time I try to put this test in the order doesn't show up on your end. I'm not going to keep going through this. You are either going to accept papers orders or I'll start sending my patients to another facility.

me: If it's just that one order that doesn't work, then you have to put in a ticket to the help desk and have them fix it. All your other orders work so there must be some issue with just the venous duplex test. It's a simple fix, you just have to put that ticket in.

doctor: Or you could just look in the right place. Everyone else can see my orders but you are telling me that you can't.

me: Sir, there are 2 different places the order might be. I'm looking at both and it's not there. I know where to look for the orders. Like I said, I can see all your other orders that you put in, just not this particular test. Which means you have to place a ticket for the help desk for someone to fix it. 

doctor: Like I already told you, either accept my paper orders or I'm sending my patients somewhere else. I want to speak to your manager.

me: 

Episode 62

pt: I need to schedule my imaging.

me: What kind of imaging does your order say you need?

pt: It doesn't say. Just says imaging.

me: Well I do need to know what kind of imaging is required. Is the only thing on your paper the word 'imaging' or are there other words listed?

pt: It just says imaging. That's all.

me: So the only word on the entire piece of paper is the word 'imaging'?

pt: That's what I said.

me: Alright well I can't schedule anything without knowing what exactly I'm scheduling. Since your order only has the word 'imaging' you will have to call your doctors office and have them fax the order to us. Once they do that, call us back and we will get you scheduled.

pt: Call the office? What, am I the secretary now?

me: I mean you are the patient, so if you want the test then we need to know what you need. And we can't know that without an order. 

pt: Well you're the secretary, not me. So you call them.

me: I am a scheduler. If you want the test, then you have to call your doctors office and have them fax us the order.

pt: No, I refuse. I ain't no secretary. I'm not calling.

me: Then I guess you won't be having any tests done.