Episode 94

me: Central Scheduling, how can I help you?

pt: I need an ultrasound. You guys have the order.

me: Okay, what is your name?

pt: Francine. Francine Cook.

me: Looks like there is an order here from December, is that the one you're calling for?

pt: Correct.

me: This particular test is only done in the mornings because it's a fasting test, so no food or drink past midnight. And just to let you know they are scheduling starting the beginning of April. Is that any day that would work better for you?

pt: I need an afternoon.

me: Well, this is only done in the mornings. They don't do afternoons for this.

pt: I need an afternoon. Preferably after 3p.

me: Okay but like I mentioned previously, it is not done in the afternoons. Only mornings. 

pt: I can't do anything other than an afternoon.

me: Then I guess we are at a standstill, because as I said before this test is only done in the mornings. The system will not even allow me to put you in an afternoon spot because they do not do the test at that time. 

pt: How early do they do the appointments?

me: 7am is typically the earliest. 

pt: How about I come in at 7am tomorrow?

me: Well they are actually scheduling into April. If you are looking for a 7am the next available is April 15th. 

pt: I want tomorrow though at 7am.

me: And they do not have anything tomorrow. 

pt: So what are you going to do?

me: I mean, we can schedule for April 15th. Or we can find a different day.

pt: You're not going to make room for me? I need this test ASAP.

me: That's correct. The schedule is already full. They do not have appointments tomorrow.

pt: Wow. I can't believe that. I just told you I need this test STAT.

me: This order has been in here since December. It's marked as routine and we even called you twice to schedule back in December. If it's now a STAT test, the doctor would have to re-enter a STAT order. 

pt: I can't just tell you STAT?

me: It doesn't work like that. If it's a STAT test, the doctor needs to place a new order.

pt: I can't believe this!

what I wish I could have said: Thems the rules. I don't make the rules.

Episode 93

me: Central Scheduling, how can I help you?

pt: Hi, I need you to listen to me for a moment. Please stop talking. I just got a call from the center in Minneapolis, Minnesota saying that I broke 4 bones in each of my legs. It took then 15 days to call me and tell me that. I need you to tell me what to do. 

me: I'm not quite sure what you're hoping I can tell you though...

pt: Do I schedule an appointment? Go to the ER? I need you to talk to me now.

me: So, a doctor in Minnesota called you to tell you that you have broken bones and did not tell you what they wanted you to do about it?

pt: Yes! Exactly what I just said!

me: Did you contact your primary care physician?

pt: I did not.

me: I would start there. See what they'd like you do to, whether that be schedule an appointment, go to the ER, or something else.

pt: Whatever fine. Thanks for nothing. *click

me: 

Episode 92

 *This conversation starts in the middle of the phone call. The beginning half was boring, but the second half was...something else 🤣

me: The doctor sent over this insurance on with the order. Do you still have that insurance?

pt: Yes, I am unemployed so that's what I have. I tried to find a rich 3rd husband but that didn't work out so well. COVID hit and he ghosted me.

me: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

pt: It was doomed from the start. He was younger than me and at one point when I was employed I was his supervisor. I wanted a sugar daddy when I was younger but now I want to be the sugar mama, but it's kind of hard when you have these medical conditions. Nobody wants to sleep with you. You gotta get up to pee during sex it's a mood killer, you know? But I met his mom and she loved me. We got along really well. But COVID made him ghost me.

me: Oh, I mean not being able to leave the house sure gives a person a good excuse to not have to see someone on a date.

pt: Exactly! You get it. My doctor asked me at the physical if I was active, and you know what I said? Heck no! Menopause has kicked my butt and here I am, needing a test to figure out why I gotta pee all the time. That's why I can't work! How am I supposed to work when I have to go pee every half hour. 

me: Wow, sounds like you have a lot going on then.

pt: I really do. Don't get old, you hear me? Then you'll be single and people will be ghosting you. There was another guy I was seeing for a while. We had to keep it low key though because he was me ex's best friend. You want to hear the craziest part? His ex was also my best friend. We've known each other for a while so we are just casual. He actually is paying for me to clean his house. I'm like a caretaker. You could say that is my job because I am helping him with his dishes and taking him to appointments and stuff. But when we meet up it has to be in secret cause we're keeping it low key.

me: Oh my.

pt: I know! And you know the funniest part? He's younger than me too! I always knew I wanted to be dating younger men. I mean I want to take care of them. They need their own jobs though. I don't want to be doing everything for them. But I want to be able to care for them and stuff. I still believe in prenups for sure. My ex-husbands never knew how money I invested. I would never tell someone those things cause it's my money and not theirs. I worked hard to invest that money so they don't need to know about it. Then when we get divorced they will come for it and take it away! But anyway, I've held up enough of your time. I hope you got a good laugh. You've been great. Have a good day! Bye!

me: 

Episode 91

me: Hi, this is Central Scheduling, calling for Tom?

pt: *loud dogs barking in the background* THIS IS TOM.

me: Hi, I'm calling because we received an order from your physician to schedule you for a CT scan so I'm following up to see if you still need to set up an appointment.

pt: Oh hallelujah, praise Jesus. I had you on my list of people to call today.

me: Sounds like perfect timing! I will take that enthusiasm as a yes, we need to schedule you an appointment, correct?

pt: This is wonderful! Yes! Let me go inside and get my calendar. One moment ma'am.

*hears lots of doors closing, no more barking dogs*

pt: My goodness, this is much better. My dogs are out there screaming as if I don't feed the things! I can't hear you with them in my ear. Now what dates are you trying to get me in?

me: I just have a few questions to ask before I can look at the available times. 

pt: I'm sorry I didn't mean to cut you off. Go ahead.

me: Do you have an iodine allergy?

pt: I had shellfish when I was a child and they told me I broke out in hives from the iodine, but that was years ago and I've had tests since. So I am going to say no.

me: Is there any particular day or time you need?

pt: I will take *singing* ANNNYYYTTHHHIINGGGG you have. 

me: The next available is next Thursday at 12pm. Does that work?

pt: Put me down and I'll be there!

me: Easy enough. Do you know where to check in for this test?

pt: The hospital is my second home I sure do! 

me: Great well then you are all set.

pt: *singing again* You're the best!

me: 

Episode 90

me: Central scheduling, how can I help you?

pt: I need to schedule an MRI. 

me: And what is your name?

pt: Tara.

me: And last name?

pt: Oh, I'm sorry it's Tara Stewart.

me: And your date of birth?

pt: That would be helpful wouldn't it. It's 9/9/80.

me: Any particular day or time that you're looking for?

pt: I'll just take the next available. I can be free whenever.

me: Next available is next Thursday at 8am. Is that something that might work?

pt: Oh shoot. I'm out of town that whole weekend. What about the next one?

me: What about Monday the following week. Are you going to be back in town that day?

pt: I am, what times are available.

me: 8am, 2pm, or 4pm.

pt: Crap. Don't be mad, but do you have something that week on Friday?

me: They have 9am or 12pm.

pt: Please don't hate me... I'll actually take the 8am on the Monday if that's okay.

me: *laughs* Of course that's okay. So, Monday at 8am. 

pt: Um... actually... I am so sorry I swear this is the last change. I have to take the Friday at 12pm. 

me: *still laughing* Not a problem at all. You're on for Friday at 12pm. 

pt: I am so sorry I swear I'm not normally this much of a mess. 

me: It's not a big deal at all, don't even worry about it.

pt: Thank you so much. God bless you and your tolerance for dummies like me! I hope you have the best day!

me: 

Episode 89

me: Hi, this is Central Scheduling. I was calling for Fred?

pt: Fred who?

me: Fred Smith.

pt: Which Fred Smith?

me: To be honest I'm not sure how to answer that. 

pt wife: I am Fred's wife but I also have a son named Fred. So which Fred Smith?

me: The older one. Your husband.

pt wife: Well what do you need him for?

me: His doctor ordered a test and I am calling to schedule the appointment.

pt wife: What test?

me: Is Fred available?

pt wife: He never told me about no test needed. He was just at a physical though and the doctor wanted him to see a specialist.

me: Our department only schedules the outpatient testing. If he needs to see a specialist then those offices call to set up their own appointments. Did the doctor not tell him he needed this test also?

pt wife: What is a "keet" scan?

me: So is he there and available to talk? 

*hear shouting from background* I'M HERE TALK TO MY WIFE.

me: It's not a keet scan, it's a CT scan. CAT scan of the ankle.

pt wife: Well where is it done?

me: The next available is at the Ocean Ave location next week.

pt wife: Is that where the doctor is?

me: To be honest I'm not sure where his doctor's office is located.

pt wife: My nephew has to bring him. What test is this for?

me: Again, CT of the ankle. Ordered by Dr. Francis.

pt wife: My nephew has to bring him. When does the doctor want the test?

me: The doctor didn't specify, so whenever is best for you.

pt wife: What date did the doctor schedule?

me: The doctor sent over an order to be scheduled. It is not scheduled yet. How about next Wednesday at 4pm.

pt wife: That's great. My nephew can bring us since it's after 4pm. I'll tell my husband.

me: They ask that he arrive 15 minutes before the appointment at registration.  Do you know how to get there?

pt wife: Yes.

me: Okay great. And they have Medicaid on file for insurance, is that still correct?

pt wife: We were just at the doctor so whatever is on there is what we have.

me: Alright we still have to verify if anything has changed since his last appointment but since it hasn't then you are all set for next Wednesday at 4pm. Any questions?

pt wife: Goodbye. *click*

me:

Episode 88

me: Hi, this is Sally calling from Central Scheduling. I'm calling for Mrs. Franks?

pt: That is me.

me: Hi, I am calling because your physician, Dr. Smith, sent over an order for a CT scan, so I am following up to see if you'd like to schedule an appointment. 

pt: A what now?

me: A CT scan.  Ordered by Dr. Smith.

pt: I don't see a Dr. Smith.

me: You don't see a Dr. Tammy Smith? From the primary care office?

pt: I see a Dr. Tammy but I don't know her last name.

me: Dr. Tammy Smith is at the primary care office. Is that where you go?

pt: I go to a primary care place. I see a Dr. Tammy something. 

me: Okay well Dr. Tammy Smith is at that office, so that's the last name. Smith. And she ordered a CT scan. 

pt: A TP scan?

me: CT. CAT scan of the lungs. 

pt: I don't need no TP scan. What is it of?

me: The lungs.. Not a TP scan. A CAT scan of the lungs. 

pt: What body part is this test of?

me: Like I just said, the lungs. 

pt: But I don't see no Dr. Smith. I see a Tammy something. And she didn't tell me about no TP scan. I don't want anything.

me: Okay, well Dr. Smith's first name is Tammy. If you don't recognize the test, then I'd recommend following up with the office.

pt: What days are available?

me: Are you scheduling the test?

pt: What's the test?

me: A CT of the lungs.

pt: Of what body part?

me: Do we have a bad connection? Can you hear me okay?

pt: Yes, I can hear just fine. What dates are available. March 2? 3? 

me: Are you sure you are wanting to schedule? If you aren't sure of the test, I'd rather you talk with your doctor first before we schedule. 

pt: I'm scheduling. What about March 3?

me: They can do March 3 at 9am at location A.

pt: Well, I am not available March 3. What about March 28, that's my next day off. How about in the afternoon.

me: March 28 they have a 1pm at the hospital and a 130p at location B. 

pt: But I wanted the morning. What about March 3? 

me: March 3 I thought you said you weren't available. Do you want that appointment now? I guess I'm a little confused. 

pt: Nope, I want that appointment. 

me: Alrighty then. March 3 at 9am at location A. They ask that you arrive at 845am and check in at the registration desk on the third floor. Do you know how to get there?

pt: What floor is this on?

me: 3rd floor. Off the D elevator immediately to the right.

pt: And they will know who I am?

me: I mean, once you give them your name then yes. 

pt: Okay, I might cancel but thank you. Goodbye. *click

me: 

Episode 87

me: Central scheduling how can I help you?

pt: Hi, I need full-botomy please.

me: May I ask what for? Do you need lab work? 

pt: Well, it's for my husband. He needs a pint of blood taken out of him. He has too much.