Episode 75

 me: Central Scheduling, how can I help you?

pt: My son needs to schedule an EGD. You people kept calling me back in September to schedule and I told you a bunch of times I couldn't schedule because I work and you needed to stop calling me. You gave me a number back in September to call when I was ready. I tried calling this morning to schedule and was told there was no order. Well I called his surgeon and they told me I don't need an order so you were wrong. You people are giving me the run around and I just need to schedule his EGD because he needs it before his surgery. I'm ready now and I need to schedule his EGD. And don't you dare transfer me somewhere else.

me: I'm not sure who "you people" are, because it wouldn't be our department. Our department does not schedule EGDs. The gastroenterologist offices do. So maybe they were the ones who called you back in September.

pt: Are you even listening to me? I told you it was you people. Your department who called me in September to schedule his EGD. Obviously there was an order placed then too because why else would you call me with no order. 

me: I was listening, but our department does not schedule EGDs so it would not have been us who called. Do you have the phone number they told you to call?

pt: You're clearly not listening and now I'm getting mad. 

me: I can promise you I am listening to you. 

pt: You expect me to have a number that I was given way back in September? What, you want me to go all the way back in my phone and look at my incoming calls?

me: I wasn't sure if maybe you had it written down or---

pt: So what, I'm just supposed to write down a number in September and keep it around?

me: Patients do that often. Their doctors will give them a number to call for an appointment for a later date and they will keep it on their fridge or something. It's actually pretty common. 

pt: That's just stupid. I don't have time for this. My son needs to schedule an EGD. You people said I can schedule. 

me: Well again, our department does not schedule EGDs. The gastro offices do. I can try and call the gastro office to see if they can tell me who you spoke with if you don't mind holding for a moment. 

pt: You better not be transferring me.

*puts pt on hold. calls gastro office*

me: Hi, I'm calling from Central Scheduling. We have a patient on the other line that is saying she needs to schedule an EGD and that my department called her to set that up. We don't call for that test so I'm trying to figure out who she needs to be talking to. Can you help?

office: What's the patient's name?

me: Bob Smith. It's his mom on the line.

office: We just got off the phone with her a few hours ago. Her son is a minor and we do not perform this procedure on minors. Plus there is no order in the system that has been placed.

me: She swears that someone called her back in September for an EGD. Do you happen to have any notes about something like that?

office: We keep notes back a year and we have nothing for this patient until today. There was no order in September. I have no idea what she is talking about. Also, if we saw the order was for a minor, we would have immediately called the ordering doctor anyway to let them know that we can't perform this procedure. And we told her all this earlier today. 

me: Alright then, well thanks for your help!

office: She's a piece of work. Good luck!

*hangs up, goes back to the mom*

me: I just spoke with the office and they are saying that they spoke with you earlier today regarding this appointment. They said because your son is a minor they can't perform the test. 

pt: I know, I told you that at the beginning, but you clearly weren't listening. 

me: Then I guess I'm confused why you are upset. If you knew that the test couldn't be performed, why are you calling?

pt: Because of you people!!

me: Alrighty well we are not getting anywhere. I recommend you call the surgeon because if this procedure is needed before the surgery, and the gastro office doesn't perform this procedure on minors. the surgeon will have to refer you to a different facility. But that is not something that I can help you with.

pt: Why are you people not doing your jobs!?

me: I really don't get why you keep saying "you people." 

pt: This is ridiculous.

me: I agree. I'm sorry but I have other calls I need to take so is there anything else I can help you with?

pt: Whatever. *hangs up

me: 

Episode 74

 me: Central scheduling, how can I help you?

pt: Good afternoon!!

*silence*

me: Can I help you?

pt: I said GOOD AFTERNOON!!

me: Yes, how can I help you?

pt: Wow. I don't get a good afternoon? How are you? I thought I'd at least get a how are you doing but okay then. I guess this call is going well. I need an MRI.

me: And what is your name?

pt: Jimmy Kimmel. My blood type is B positive. I have lived in Michigan my whole life. I should be in your system; I was seen in your ER back about 10 years ago.

me: And date of birth?

pt: I just told you- my name is Jimmy Kimmel. I should just pull up with my name.

me: I still need your date of birth please. We have to verify for each patient. So, what would that be?

pt: But why?

me: It's hospital protocol. May I please have your date of birth?

pt: Fine. 01/01/1960.

me: Fantastic. Looks like we do have your order here that was received this morning for an MRI of your neck. Are you claustrophobic?

pt: HELLLLLLL YES! I get panic attacks. I need to be sedated. 

me: Alright, well the sedation MRIs are not done at our location. They are only done at the other hospital, so I'll have to transfer you over to them. Would you like me to give you their number before I transfer you in case you get disconnected?

pt: But I thought I was calling Hospital Z. 

me: You are, but Hospital S is the hospital that does the sedation MRIs. All others MRIs are done at Hospital Z, just not sedation MRIs. 

pt: Alright fine then why haven't you transferred me over yet?

me: Well, I asked if you wanted their number in case you were disconnected. Did you want their number?

pt: Why would I need it if you are transferring me?

me: I'll take that as a no. One moment I'll transfer you over and they can get that set up for you.

pt: I don't even get a goodbye? No good afternoon and now no goodbye?

Episode 73 - We're back!!!

 HELLOOOO WORLD

It's been just over a year since I've posted last. 2022 was a wild ride for me (some good, lots of bad), making it rather difficult to keep sharing my stories. But now that it's a new year, I'm back and ready for action. 2023 has been off to quite a crazy start so far. Be ready - these stories get more off the wall every day!

me: Central Scheduling, how can I help you?

pt: Hi, I need to talk to a Lynne. 

me: I'm sorry, we don't have a Lynne in our department. 

pt: Well, they said I need an appointment. 

me: Let me take a look. What's your name?

pt: Mrs. Smith.

me: And your first name?

pt: Mrs. Smith.

me: I need your first name please. Smith is a very common last name.

pt: *deep sigh* Fine. My first name is Karen.

me: Great, and your date of birth?

pt: And why do you need that?

me: You have a very common name. I need to make sure I know who I'm talking to. 

pt: Whatever. The fifth month, the fifth day, of the fifty-fifth year. 

me: Alright well it looks like we called you because your doctor sent over a referral for an appointment with a Nutritionist. I am actually the one who called you. My name is Emily.

pt: No, the message said Lynne. Why would you say Lynne is your name is Emily.

me: Um...well, I'm not quite sure why I'd say my name was Lynne if my name is Emily. That doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

pt: That's what you said though. So, you should stop telling people the wrong name because it's confusing to us and unprofessional.

me: Yep, I'll get right on that. 

Episode 72

me: Central scheduling, how can I help you?

pt: Yeah I got a call this morning to set up a test.

me: What's your name and date of birth?

pt: Shouldn't you know already? You called me.

me: Well I didn't actually call anyone this morning so I need your date of birth and name because I don't know who you are.

pt: What does that mean? I got a call.

me: Yes, from one of my coworkers. It wasn't me so I need your information so I schedule you appropriately. Now may I please have your name and date of birth so I can schedule you?

pt: Oh fine. Bert McDonald. 1/1/60.

me: And what date or time works best for you?

pt: There isn't one. I don't even know when I can schedule because I need a ride and I live 100 miles away.

me: Did you want to call back when you know?

pt: Just schedule me. Now don't put me on a day when the lab isn't open. I came in last time and they said the lab was open but it wasn't

me: Well the lab is open Monday through Friday. 

pt: Yeah, whatever you say.

me: Are you saying I'm lying?

pt: Yeah I am. The lab wasn't open last time I was there and it was a Monday. they said they were super short staffed and didn't have time for me.

me: Okay I'm not sure why that would happen, but does December 22 work for you?

pt: Can you assure me the lab will be open?

me: Well it's open Monday through Friday and that day is a Wednesday so it should be open.

pt: If it's closed, I'm calling your manager. 

me: Okay, if that's what you need to do. You're all set, have a good day!

pt: Yeah, whatever. *click

Episode 71

 me: Central Scheduling, how can I help you?

pt: I need to know what time my appointment is.

me: Okay what's your name?

pt: Gerald Frank. Date of birth 12/12/60.

me: It's not pulling you up by that name and date of birth. What's your phone number so I can try and look you up that way.

pt: 123-456-7890

me: Hmm... it's not pulling you up by that number either. Maybe I misheard you. You said Gerald Frank, date of birth 12/12/60.

pt: Yes that's my name. I was just there at the secondary facility. I had an appointment but they said the machine was down so they moved me to Monday.

me: The secondary facility doesn't do MRI appointments on Mondays. Are you absolutely sure that you were scheduled at the secondary facility?

pt: I was just there! Of course I know where I was scheduled!

me: Okay it's just that the secondary facility doesn't do MRI appointments on Mondays so I'm not quite sure how you would have been added on a Monday.

pt: You're incompetent! I'll just go back to the facility because they're competent there.

me: Okay you do that.

Episode 70

me: Central Scheduling, how can I help you?

pt: I'm in the hospital now and I need a CT scan so I want to do it today while I'm here.

me: Are you inpatient?

pt: Yes, that's what in the hospital means.

me: Well actually no, in the hospital could mean you are there for a doctor's appointment, or test, or infusion. There's a lot of things that it could mean. 

pt: I'm in the hospital, sitting here in a bed. Is that what you needed? Now just set up my appointment.

me: This is outpatient scheduling. If you are inpatient then you have to talk with your nurse and have them coordinate the test.

pt: Stop with all the political talk. I need a test and you are scheduling, so set up my appointment.

me: Again, this is outpatient scheduling. You are inpatient, so you'll have to talk with your nurse and have them coordinate the test to see if it can be done while you are inpatient.

pt: I know I don't meet all the Ps and Qs but make an exception. Just stop with all the proper speak and schedule.

me: I'm sorry, but no. I can't schedule an outpatient test while you are an inpatient.

pt: So I have to go out and get her from outside the door?

me: If that's where your nurse is, then yes.

pt: Just stop this now. Set up my damn test. I don't care about policies and procedures. I'm here now, I want my test.

me: I have told you multiple times. This is outpatient scheduling. You are inpatient. If you need an appointment while you're inpatient, you need to talk with your nurse.

pt: Are you dumb? I told you I don't care about policies and procedures. I don't care I don't meet the Ps and Qs. Schedule my damn test.

me: Nope, I won't be spoken to that way. I have told you I can't schedule. So talk with your nurse. 

Episode 69

 me: Central Scheduling, how can I help you?

pt: Where do I go?

me: I'm sorry?

pt: Where the hell do I go?

me: Okay well where are you trying to go?

pt: I don't know. That's why I'm asking.

me: Um...okay. Are you coming in for a test or a doctor's appointment.

pt: I don't know. It's not for me.

me: Well who is it for? I'll look it up and see if I can help.

pt: Fred. It's for Fred. 

me: Last name?

pt: Fred where are you going? Come back it's not that way.

me: So what's the last name.

pt: It's for Fred Smith. Fred do you have a doctors appointment or a test? 

me: What's the date of birth?

pt: Fred!! Do you have a test or doctors appointment? He don't know either. We're on the floor just don't know what he needs today. We just know the appointment was 9 and it's 915 so we're late! 

me: I still need the date of birth so I can try and help you.

pt: Fred come back here will ya? We ain't got time to be dilly dallying. Alright ma'am we're just going to keep walking. We'll find it. Bye now!

me: