Episode 72

me: Central scheduling, how can I help you?

pt: Yeah I got a call this morning to set up a test.

me: What's your name and date of birth?

pt: Shouldn't you know already? You called me.

me: Well I didn't actually call anyone this morning so I need your date of birth and name because I don't know who you are.

pt: What does that mean? I got a call.

me: Yes, from one of my coworkers. It wasn't me so I need your information so I schedule you appropriately. Now may I please have your name and date of birth so I can schedule you?

pt: Oh fine. Bert McDonald. 1/1/60.

me: And what date or time works best for you?

pt: There isn't one. I don't even know when I can schedule because I need a ride and I live 100 miles away.

me: Did you want to call back when you know?

pt: Just schedule me. Now don't put me on a day when the lab isn't open. I came in last time and they said the lab was open but it wasn't

me: Well the lab is open Monday through Friday. 

pt: Yeah, whatever you say.

me: Are you saying I'm lying?

pt: Yeah I am. The lab wasn't open last time I was there and it was a Monday. they said they were super short staffed and didn't have time for me.

me: Okay I'm not sure why that would happen, but does December 22 work for you?

pt: Can you assure me the lab will be open?

me: Well it's open Monday through Friday and that day is a Wednesday so it should be open.

pt: If it's closed, I'm calling your manager. 

me: Okay, if that's what you need to do. You're all set, have a good day!

pt: Yeah, whatever. *click

Episode 71

 me: Central Scheduling, how can I help you?

pt: I need to know what time my appointment is.

me: Okay what's your name?

pt: Gerald Frank. Date of birth 12/12/60.

me: It's not pulling you up by that name and date of birth. What's your phone number so I can try and look you up that way.

pt: 123-456-7890

me: Hmm... it's not pulling you up by that number either. Maybe I misheard you. You said Gerald Frank, date of birth 12/12/60.

pt: Yes that's my name. I was just there at the secondary facility. I had an appointment but they said the machine was down so they moved me to Monday.

me: The secondary facility doesn't do MRI appointments on Mondays. Are you absolutely sure that you were scheduled at the secondary facility?

pt: I was just there! Of course I know where I was scheduled!

me: Okay it's just that the secondary facility doesn't do MRI appointments on Mondays so I'm not quite sure how you would have been added on a Monday.

pt: You're incompetent! I'll just go back to the facility because they're competent there.

me: Okay you do that.

Episode 70

me: Central Scheduling, how can I help you?

pt: I'm in the hospital now and I need a CT scan so I want to do it today while I'm here.

me: Are you inpatient?

pt: Yes, that's what in the hospital means.

me: Well actually no, in the hospital could mean you are there for a doctor's appointment, or test, or infusion. There's a lot of things that it could mean. 

pt: I'm in the hospital, sitting here in a bed. Is that what you needed? Now just set up my appointment.

me: This is outpatient scheduling. If you are inpatient then you have to talk with your nurse and have them coordinate the test.

pt: Stop with all the political talk. I need a test and you are scheduling, so set up my appointment.

me: Again, this is outpatient scheduling. You are inpatient, so you'll have to talk with your nurse and have them coordinate the test to see if it can be done while you are inpatient.

pt: I know I don't meet all the Ps and Qs but make an exception. Just stop with all the proper speak and schedule.

me: I'm sorry, but no. I can't schedule an outpatient test while you are an inpatient.

pt: So I have to go out and get her from outside the door?

me: If that's where your nurse is, then yes.

pt: Just stop this now. Set up my damn test. I don't care about policies and procedures. I'm here now, I want my test.

me: I have told you multiple times. This is outpatient scheduling. You are inpatient. If you need an appointment while you're inpatient, you need to talk with your nurse.

pt: Are you dumb? I told you I don't care about policies and procedures. I don't care I don't meet the Ps and Qs. Schedule my damn test.

me: Nope, I won't be spoken to that way. I have told you I can't schedule. So talk with your nurse. 

Episode 69

 me: Central Scheduling, how can I help you?

pt: Where do I go?

me: I'm sorry?

pt: Where the hell do I go?

me: Okay well where are you trying to go?

pt: I don't know. That's why I'm asking.

me: Um...okay. Are you coming in for a test or a doctor's appointment.

pt: I don't know. It's not for me.

me: Well who is it for? I'll look it up and see if I can help.

pt: Fred. It's for Fred. 

me: Last name?

pt: Fred where are you going? Come back it's not that way.

me: So what's the last name.

pt: It's for Fred Smith. Fred do you have a doctors appointment or a test? 

me: What's the date of birth?

pt: Fred!! Do you have a test or doctors appointment? He don't know either. We're on the floor just don't know what he needs today. We just know the appointment was 9 and it's 915 so we're late! 

me: I still need the date of birth so I can try and help you.

pt: Fred come back here will ya? We ain't got time to be dilly dallying. Alright ma'am we're just going to keep walking. We'll find it. Bye now!

me: 

Episode 68

me: Central scheduling, how can I help you?

pt: I need to refill my prescription. It's expired.

me: That would be a call to your physician. I can't refill prescriptions, this is scheduling. For outpatient testing.

pt: Then give me the number.

me: I don't have that information. You can google it though.

pt: You seriously are telling me that you can't give me the phone number?

me: That is what I said, yes. I don't have all the physicians numbers.

pt: He's in Livonia!

me: Great, google will be able to give you that information.

pt: Useless *click

me: 

Episode 67

 pt: Hi I need to schedule an MRI.

me: What kind of MRI was ordered?

pt: Shoulder. Is it comprehensive?

me: What do you mean by that? 

pt: Nevermind. My arm looses feeling. I just need to know what is wrong with my arm.

me: Well, that's why your doctor ordered the test. To find out what's wrong with your arm.

pt: Must be those chicken mcnuggets I've been eating.

me: Oh yes, it's definitely a runaway nugg stuck in your arm.

pt: You're right, it's probably stuck deep in there. I love those nuggs. Are there people with COVID there? I'm scared I'm doing to die.

me: I mean, it is a hospital so there are COVID patients, yes. But they have their own wing so the outpatient area that you're going is not in direct contact with COVID patients.

pt: I am scared. I don't want to be in a room full of sick people.

me: At the door they screen patients by asking COVID screening questions, take temperatures, and everyone is wearing masks. 

pt: You're probably thinking, "just shut up Steve. Come to the hospital."

me: Nah, I'm just trying to schedule your appointment. So Saturday. Is that a good day for you?

pt: Works about as good as anything!

me: Alright. Come in through the front doors of the facility. Imaging is on the first floor. Any questions?

pt: Where do I go? 

me: I just tol-

pt: Oh wait, you just told me. I'm not okay in the head. This is weird. Now I'm embarrassed. I'm hanging up now.. Goodbye. *click

me: 

Episode 66

Monday

pt: Hi I need to schedule an appointment for my daughter, Casey. 

me: Looks like she hasn't been here before so I'll have to make a new account. Casey spelled C-A-S-E-Y?

pt: Yes. Last name is Smith.

me: and what test does she need?

pt: MRI.

me: *schedules appointment* Alright, you're all set! The department will call to do a pre-screening for Casey the day before the appointment so be prepared for that.

pt: Okay, thank you!

Thursday

pt: Hi, my daughter is scheduled for an MRI tomorrow, but it's the wrong daughter. I want to know how this happened.

me: Okay what is the name of the daughter who is currently scheduled?

pt: Casey. But it's not supposed to be Casey, it's supposed to be Melanie.

me: Oh, it looks like I scheduled this appointment. Does Casey need an MRI too? I remember you giving me the name Casey.

pt: No I didn't, I gave you Melanie. You must not have been listening. Melanie needs the MRI.

me: Oh, well okay. I do remember you specifically saying Casey. But it's not a problem, I will get it changed. It looks like Melanie would be a new patient as well. Is all the information the same for both Melanie and Casey?

pt: Yes, it is a problem. How did Casey get scheduled?

me: Like I said, you said Casey when we scheduled the appointment. So Casey is who I scheduled. But it's fine, I will get it changed to Melanie and you will still be good for the appointment tomorrow.

pt: This better not happen again. We will be there tomorrow. *click

me: