Episode 52

 *schedules stress test appointment, begins registration*

me: And would you like anyone listed in your chart for emergency contact?

pt: Well am I going to die?

me: It's just a requirement for us to ask. You don't have to put anyone if you don't want to.

pt: Well the last girl didn't ask me that question. So why are you?

me: Like I said, it's not a requirement. I'll just put "refused" and you can update it later if you choose to.

pt: Should I be stressed out? Should I begin worrying? Am I going to die? Do people die during stress tests? You're worrying me!

me: Literally all medical offices, urgent cares, etc. ask for emergency contact. We're just going to leave it blank so we can move on. So, do you still live at 123 Circle Street?

pt: As of 2 seconds ago!

me: I'm sorry?

pt: Jeez, first you scare me by telling me I'm going to die, now you are wasting my time. Can we be done here? 

me: 

Episode 51

 me: Scheduling, how can I help you?

pt: My nurses name is Jill. Please have her call me.

me: I'm sorry, this is outpatient scheduling. I don't know who Jill is and I wouldn't be able to have her call you.

pt: Well I'm here in the hospital so that's not true. Have Jill call me.

me: Sir, I have no idea who Jill even is. If you're in the hospital push the call button.

pt: Jill. J-I-L-L.

me: Again, I have no idea who that is.

pt: Come on, you have to know who Jill is.

me: Actually sir, I don't. You'll have to push the call button.

pt: J-I-L-L. I just told you what her name was. I need her to call me.

me: I really don't know how to help you. Especially when all you have is a first name. 

pt: Well she doesn't have a last name so I can't tell you one!

me: Everyone has a last name.

pt: Not Jill!

me: Just push your call button. This will solve all your issues.

pt: So you can't have Jill call me?

me: 

Episode 50

me: Scheduling, how can I help you?

pt: I need you to schedule my MRI.

me: What's your name?

pt: You'll find me in the system. I've been there a billion times.

me: ...so what is your name?

pt: Karen.

me: Okay Karen, I have your account pulled up. We don't have any orders here for you. Do you have a copy?

pt: My doctor was supposed to fax it. You're telling me you don't have it?

me: Yes, that's what I said. So do you have a copy?

pt: No. I don't. 

me: Okay, well we do need that order before we can schedule. You will have to give your doctor's office a call and have them fax us the order, then call us back to schedule.

pt: I'm having a difficult time with my doctor. As a woman with a foreign doctor, it's a struggle. I'm sure you understand.

me: Actually, I'm not quite sure what you mean. 

pt: He won't put the order in because he doesn't like me!

me: I'm sure that's not true. Offices cannot do that. 

pt: Yes! I am a white woman so my foreign doctor is prejudice against me. He refuses to send over my order because he doesn't like that I'm a white woman.

me: 

Episode 49

me: Scheduling, how can I help you?

pt: I can't find you!

me: Well, what are you looking for? What test are you having done?

pt: The New Center! My test is at the new center and I can't find you. I'm on the campus of Wrong College but it's not here.

me: You're at the wrong location. The building you are looking for is at the corner of Candy Lane and Sucker St. Pull onto the Right College campus from Sucker St. the building will be on your left. The address is 12345 Address Blvd.

pt: Great thanks!

me: Scheduling, how can I help you?

pt: I still can't find you!!

me: Are you still looking for The New Center?

pt: Well yes! I'm at Chocolate Street and Dummy Road! That's where you said it was!

me: No, I said to go to Candy Lane and Sucker Street. Pull onto Sucker Street. Then Address Blvd and The New Center is on your left.

pt: Got it okay!

me: Scheduling, how can I help you?

pt: I still cannot find you and I've been driving around for 3 hours and my appointment time was 20 minutes ago! You haven't been telling me where to go!

me: Ma'am, I have talked to you twice already this morning and given you directions both times. Where are you now?

pt: I'm in the food court!

me: Food court? Where did you go there isn't a food court near the building...

pt: I'm on Rocky Road over by the store next to the food court!

me: Well how did you get over there? That's nowhere near where I told you to go. And besides, we'll have to reschedule your appointment since it was 20 minutes ago.

pt: This is fucking bullshit! What about giving me the appointment of the patient who took my spot?

me: No one took your spot, I'm confused. If you missed your appointment, the person after you didn't necessarily show up and take your spot. They would have shown up for their appointment time which would have been after yours. So we need to reschedule.

pt: Well maybe you should give better directions. I'm pissed this is crazy! I've been driving around and I can't find the building! This is your fault!

me: I am sorry, but I don't know how else to help or what better instructions to give. And to be honest I don't even know where you are right now. 

pt: Fine just reschedule. 

me: Okay and what is your name?

pt: So you can't just tell the person after me that they need to reschedule so I can get my appointment today?

me: No, we will have to reschedule. What is your name so I can pull up your account?

pt: Okay I'm on Address Rd. Is the building yellow? Wait I don't even see a front door! And there is no sign! Where the hell am I?? There's no door how am I supposed to go inside? I have been to The Old Place why couldn't I have just gone there!

me: The building is straight ahead if you are on Address Rd. The front door is right there. There is a big sign that says The New Center right on the building. What is your name because like I said they will need to reschedule. They can't see you today because you are late for your appointment.

pt: Fine I'll give you my damn name. But I'm still pissed that I have to wait. I cant believe this. This is all your fault. They should have just given me the appointment for the person after me. Because clearly this is not my fault.

me: I don't really see how it's my fault considering I gave you the directions multiple times. But can you do Monday for the rescheduled appointment?

pt: Well if I can't even find the building now how am I going to find it then?

me: I scheduled you at The Old Place. Is that fine? Should be easier for you to find since you said you've been there before.

pt: Well I don't even know where that is! This is ridiculous! How am I supposed to get my test?!

me: I'm at a loss. What is it that you want me to do because I'm trying to make this easy for you.

pt: Nothing is easy! I don't even want this test anymore. 

me: 

Episode 48

pt: I'm sure you've had a tough day today. Would you like to hear a joke?

me: Of course! Let's hear it.

pt: What is the happiest blood type? 

                B POSTIVE!! 

Episode 47

me: Place where I work scheduling how can I help you?

pt: Hi I need a vascular ultrasound. When is the next available.

me: It looks like the next available for the ultrasound you need is September 10th. Is that an okay day for you?

pt: *laughs hysterically like I just said the funniest thing in the entire world* 

me: So is that a no?

pt: Do you have anything on September 9th?

me: No, I said that the next available was September 10th. So does that day not work for you? I can look for a different day.

pt: I'm hoping for a pie in the sky. How about September 3rd?

me: I'm not sure you're listening to me. I said that the next available was September 10th. That means that there is nothing available between today and September 10th. Which means no, we do not have anything on September 3rd.

pt: That's not what that means. Someone may have cancelled. You might not even be looking at the schedule.

me: I can assure you, I'm looking at the schedule. There is nothing until September 10th. Do you want that appointment?

pt: I guess so! No pie for me today!

me: I guess not!

Episode 46

 On today's episode: a tale from another underpaid scheduler.

scheduler: Scheduling, how can I help you?

pt: I have been on valium for 30 years!!

scheduler: ....and?

pt: And I don't want to be anymore!!

scheduler: This is just the scheduling department, let me get you over to chemical dependency.

Episode 45

 Pt: Um, hello. I have been waiting for 2 weeks for someone named Fred to call me regarding a CT chest low dose xray or some bullshit. Did y'all forget about me or what?

me: Well, if you're waiting for Fred I will have to transfer you to his line.

pt: I already have the number.  It's 555-000-1234.

me: Actually, that's not the correct number. Would you like me to give you the correct number before I transfer you?

pt: Well what the hell! Why was I given the wrong number to begin with! Y'all set me up!

me: So would you like the number?

pt: Just transfer me already!

me: Alright then!

Episode 44

 Things that irk me: Part 2

1. When patients refuse to sign up for the patient portal and say "Oh, I don't use a computer. I'm too old."

At what point is it not okay to use that as an excuse anymore? Computers are everywhere. My 94 year old grandmother has an email and Facebook for crying out loud! Just learn to use computers, it's the way of the world.

2. When I ask a patient for their name and they only respond with either just their first name or just their last...and then stop talking leaving awkward silence. Especially when it's a basic name like Kevin, or Smith.

Thanks for that Kevin but there are hundreds of Kevin's out there. Use your full name!

3. When patients say they are too lazy to get up and get their orders or insurance cards.

First of all Karen, it says on the recording before we even pick up the phone to "please have your doctors order and insurance cards ready" so saying that you didn't know you needed that information is a lie. Second of all, if you want an appointment you need to give me that information or else I can't schedule anything. Third of all, get off your booty and get the information. Thanks!

Episode 43

 pt: Hi, I need to schedule an MRI for my wife.

me: Okay, and what is her date of birth?

pt: August 18. It was yesterday! Are you going to sing to her? You are going to sing to her, right?

me: I'm sorry, she doesn't want that. I do not have a very good voice so it would not go over well. Trust me.

pt: Come on! Just sing!

me: I'm sorry, I am not going to sing for her. Let's just schedule her MRI. Does she have any pacemaker, metallic implants, any metal in the body at all?

pt: She ate some cheesecake this morning! That counts, right?

me: Um.. 

Episode 42

me: Place where I work scheduling how can I help you?

pt: I need to schedule a mamm-o-gam.

me: Okay what's your phone number?

pt: 123-456-7890

me: That number isn't pulling up any patients. Have you been to place where I work before?

pt: Well does it matter? Am I not allowed to make an appointment if I'm not a patient?

me: No, that's just how we pull up patients. Is there another number that might be on your account?

pt: Jeez, can't I just give you my name? That's just dumb.

me: Okay then. What's your name?

pt: Karen Smith. Now can I schedule my mamm-o-gam. 

me: Is it screening or diagnostic mammogram.

pt: I don't know, it doesn't say.

me: Will you please read the order?

pt: "screening mammogram." There. Is that what you wanted?

me: Thank you. 

*sets up appointment*

me: Alright and what insurance do you have?

pt: It's not on my order the doctor gave me.

me: Um...can you please read from your ID card?

pt: Ugh, seriously? I have to go get it? Now you have to wait for me. And I will take my sweet time.

me: 

Episode 41

me: Place where I work scheduling, how can I help you?

pt: Hi, I need to schedule a doctor's appointment.

me: We only schedule outpatient testing. You'll have to call the doctor's office directly as they schedule their own appointments.

pt: I've been passed around from person to person and no one can help me. Do your damn job. You're scheduling. Schedule my damn appointment.

me: Like I said, I cannot schedule appointments with doctor's offices. You have to call them directly. If you have a name I can look it up and see if their number pulls up in the system. 

pt: How the hell am I supposed to tell you the name of the doctor. I am a new patient I don't fucking know the doctor's name! Just fucking schedule me.

me: I'm sorry, excuse me? I don't really know why you're talking to me like that. I'm trying to help you but I can't if you are going to continue to speak to me. I told you that I can't schedule the appointment but can help you find the office number for you to call. 

pt: You can't schedule me but you work in scheduling? What the hell kind of joke hospital is this? Go fuck yourself. *click*

me: Wonderful.  I love my job.

Episode 40

 pt: Hi, can you give me your phone number please?

me: The number you just called you mean?

pt: Yes, my friend said he had trouble getting through. So I need the number.

me: Okay, so you just called us. Shouldn't you have the number already?

pt: I do, yes. Right here. Can you just give it to me?

me: 

Episode 39

me: Thanks for calling, how can I help you?

pt: I just need to confirm the location for my appointment. 

me: The test is done in The New Building, TNB, the new location.

pt: Oh okay, so the same place I went to last year.

me: No, The new location. It's called The New Building. 

pt: Yeah, I know where that is. I've been going there for the last 50 years.

me: I'm sorry, did you not hear me? I said The New Building. It's new. Just opened a few months ago.

pt: Well I don't want to go there. I've had all my tests done at The Old Building for the last 50 years. I want to go there.

me: I'm sorry, that can't happen. They moved. Everything else is the same, the staff, same system. Just new building and new equipment.

pt: Well why wasn't I told that when I scheduled?

me: I'm not sure. We typically tell patient's that when they initially set up their appointment. I don't know why that wasn't mentioned to you.

pt: I just wanted to go to the old location.

me: ....what do you want me to do? They only do the tests in The New Building. 

pt: I mean...I HAVE to keep my appointment!!

me: You don't have to keep the appointment, noone is forcing you. You are allowed to cancel if you really don't want to go to the new location.

pt: But I need my mammogram.

me: Okay so what do you want me to do?

pt: *hangs up*

me: 

Episode 38

me: Alright ma'am, and do you still have Meridian for the insurance?

pt: Diddly, diddly, doooo!! How about you???

me: Um.. I just need to know about you. 

Episode 37

 me: Thanks for calling, how can I help you?

pt: I need a mamm and bone density test.

me: Okay, and what is your name?

pt: Um... it's Karen. Karen Smith. Date of birth 1-1-1950.

me: Has it been over two years since your last bone density test and over a year since your last mammogram?

pt: That's your job. You should know when my last mammogram was. I've never had a bone density test.  

me: It doesn't automatically show up. Give me one second while I take a look.

pt: Hurry it up, jeez.

me: Well it looks like your last bone density was November and mammogram was October. So we'll have to schedule after that date.

pt: You have the wrong patient. That's wrong. I have never have a bone density test before.

me: Uh... this is Karen Smith, correct?

pt: Yes.

me: DOB 1-1-50, who lives on Wisteria Lane?

pt: That's me. But I've never had this test before.

me: I'm not sure what to tell you. I have you as having a bone density two years ago. It's right here in the system. 

pt: No, you have something wrong. Look again.

me: Miss Smith, I'm looking right now. 2019 you had a bone density in November here.

pt: Well that's wrong!!

me: Okay, what do you want me to do about it. 

pt: Don't tell me it was 2019 because it wasn't! Stop making things up!

me: Do you want to schedule...or no... What do you want to do from here?

pt: Fine. I'll schedule my appointment. But you're lying. Your system is lying. 

*schedules appointment*

pt: Oh, and I have an order for an a-t-a-i-l doplex. 

me: I'm sorry, a doplex? Can you repeat that whole test one more time?

pt: A-T-I-A-L doplex! I just said that!

me: Do you have the doctor's phone number? I'll have to call because I have no idea what kind of test that is.

pt: Fine. Here's the number.

*calls doctor's office*

doctor: Yeah, the doctor has no notes on the patient needing any tests other than a mamm and bone density. The doctor did not order anything else. Tell the patient we will call her and see what she's talking about.

*hangs up with office, goes back to patient*

me: The office says they don't have any other tests on file for you to schedule. They said hold off for now and they will call you.

pt: They will what? Call me? Why? I don't want to talk to them? I just want to schedule my doplex.

me: That's not a test. They don't have anything else on file. You'll have to just wait for their call. 

pt: Whaaaa? What did you say??? I can't hear you?? *starts speaking different language*

me: 

Episode 36

On today's episode we switch things up from the classic conversation to describe reasons that I made patients mad today.

1. I called a patient while she was in a meeting, so when she answered I was being "rude and disrespectful." 

I'm sorry ma'am. I should have known that when I was calling you to see if you'd like to schedule your appointment that at that very moment you would be in a work meeting. It's very easy to send a call to voicemail, but I should not have even called you in the first place. My mistake.

2. A patient already had a test performed at a different hospital.

Sir, I apologize. With my all mighty powers I should have been able to see into the systems of all the other hospital systems to make sure that it was completed to know ahead of time not to call you. Next time, I will make sure to call around and see who breaks HIPAA to tell me if you have performed the test before I call and ask you if you still need that procedure.

3. I asked a patient for the diagnosis on her doctors order.

Karen, I do apologize if this upset you. This is standard information necessary for scheduling tests, but I should have known this would make you upset. It was not breaking HIPAA like you say, as this is my job to get the information for the departments. But you're right, I should report to my manager that I am slacking on my job and be better.

Episode 35

 You know what irks me? 

1. Patients who cannot pronounce the word mammogram. It's mamm-o-gram, not mamm-eo-gram! Really not that difficult.

2. When after I answer the phone and the patient says "how are you" and the continues talking, not allowing me to answer. Why ask how I'm doing if you truly do not care for a response?

3. When a patient tells me the doctor has not written a diagnosis, but immediately can find one when I tell them I can't schedule without one. Hmm... seems to me you were a big fat liar. Or just lazy. Probably the latter.

4. Mammograms have to be scheduled a year plus a day after the previous mammogram. This means that if a patient has their last mamm on April 24, the next one has to be anytime after April 25. So, when a patient says they need to schedule their yearly exam, I always ask if it has been over a year since the last mammogram. So...here me out. Why is it that 99% of people, when I ask that question, respond with a resounding YES and then proceed to tell me they received a reminder letter that it has to be scheduled after a date that is a month out. COME ON PEOPLE. That's not what over a year means! 

5. When a family member (usually a husband calling for the wife) calls to schedule. I will ask the family member for dates and times or ask health related questions that are necessary for the scheduling and the person on the phone will say "hold on" and then put me on hold to ask the patient the questions. Why not just have the patient call themselves if you don't know the answers to the questions or even the patient's availability? You're making this much more difficult than it needs to be. 

Episode 34

me: *place where I work* scheduling, how can I help you?

pt: I need you to look up my colonoscopy right now and we need to change the time.

me: I'm sorry, you'll have to call the doctor's office because we don't schedule or reschedule those appointments. The office does.

pt: Well I talked to one of you girls yesterday and she set up an appointment so that's not right. Just look it up and cancel it.

me: Our department doesn't schedule those tests. So it must not have been someone in our department you spoke with for that test. You have to call the office. I can give you their number if you'd like.

pt: My name is Karen Smith. What appointment do I have on the 23rd?

me: *pulls up pt* Okay Karen, you're scheduled for a mammogram on the 26th. That's the only thing I show you scheduled for. And it does look like it was scheduled yesterday. So that must be what test you scheduled in our department.

pt: Why the hell did she tell me the 23rd then for my colonoscopy?

me: I'm not sure that happened. It sounds like there is just a misunderstanding.

pt: Now I need my colonoscopy then. The number on the paper was your number to call and schedule.

me: Ma'am, I already told you that you have to call the doctors office.

pt: But it says on this paper that I need to call you.

me: Well the paper is incorrect. It's really not a big deal, I can give you the office number. 

pt: I'll just call my doctor there seems to be a mix up. I need a new paper then!

me: I mean, you really don't have to do that. All you need to do is call the gastro office. I have their number right here.

pt: Okay I'll call my doctor who gave me this paper. I want this mix up figured out this is ridiculous. *click*

me: 

Episode 33

me: Alright, and when you go to your MyChart the address and test prep instructions will be listen under the upcoming appointment information.

pt: What, you're not going to just tell me?

me: Well it's much easier for patients to look for themselves, rather than hear over the phone. That way there are no mistakes or mishearing things over the phone.

pt: Or you're just lazy.

me: Um...no. 

pt: Um...yes. Just give me the damn address. I ain't looking at no MyChart just so you don't have to do your job.

me: Okay I don't really understand why you're speaking to me like that. I am trying to make things easier for you. But if you want the address over the phone instead, it's *starts giving the address but gets cut off*

pt: Now was that so hard?

me: You didn't even hear the whole address.

pt: I'll just look on MyChart

me: Are you kidding me right now? 

pt: I love making people's days difficult. I hope you enjoyed that and had a good laugh!

me: 

Episode 32

pt: I need to schedule my mamm-eo-gram!

me: Okay, screening or diagnostic?

pt: Screening-bo-beening!

me: Alright, and do you have any breast implants?

pt: HELL NO! But I sure wish that I did, you know!? I'd have them big boobies!

me: 

Episode 31

pt: I need to cancel my appointment. It's been raining and I cannot raise my arms.

me: 

Episode 30

 Back from vacation!! And boy did I not miss this one bit.

pt: My doctor gave me this order for a nuclear stress test and I need it ASAP.

me: Well, next available is next week on Wednesday.

pt: Oh no absolutely not. I need it before next Wednesday.

me: Okay, well I will have to call the department.

*calls department - 5 minutes later*

me: Alright, they can get you in on Monday at 9am.

pt: Oh no! I can't do that! My son has surgery and he needs me to be there for support!

me: I can give you the number for the other locations if you'd like to try there and see if they can get you in before Wednesday if that Monday doesn't work for you.

pt: Well why can't they do Saturday or Sunday?

me: They only do this test Monday through Friday.

pt: That's just stupid. What do they do when patient's need the test and they aren't available? Just ask them, it's not that difficult.

me: I'm sorry, but no. I will not be asking them to come in on their day off to squeeze you in. Like I said, you can call the other locations and see if they have something before Wednesday.

pt: Why are you being unprofessional. Do your job, and ask them. My doctor is going to be so upset! He will never send a patient to your hospital ever again!

me: