Responses I received today when telling patients that the mammograms have moved 2 miles up the road.
1. You expect me to drive across the country just to get a mammogram at the new location?
2. I'm never coming to your facility again! Cancel my appointments forever!
3. You tell them that was the dumbest decision they ever made to move!
4. I'm supposed to drive all the way across town just to get my boobs squeezed? Think again.
pt: I just called and was hung up on. The girl was stupid and didn't know how to listen to me. She claimed she couldn't hear me. Then I had to call back and listen to that stupid hold music again which is f*cking ridiculous. All because your coworker couldn't hear me. Tell her to open her ears. Hopefully you're not as stupid as her.
me: Um--
pt: Are you stupid too? Can you not hear me either? What is with this hospital! Do they hire idiots!?
me: Do you need to schedule an appointment or what?
pt: Oh my god, you CAN hear me! Who would have thought. Now do your job and schedule my test.
me:
pt: I'm calling to schedule my mammogram.
me: Great, do you have the order?
pt: I do, yes.
me: Is it a screening or diagnostic mammogram?
pt: Just a screening.
me: Does it have 3D or tomo on the order?
pt: I don't know. It's downstairs.
me: Well will you please get the order? I do need that information.
pt: Why?
me: That is clinical information on the order that I need to schedule correctly. So the department requires patient's have the order when we schedule.
pt: *long pause* So why do I need to go downstairs and get the order?
me: I just told you. There is clinical information on the order that the department requires we ask for when scheduling so that we schedule the correct test.
pt: No, I'm not walking all the way downstairs to get my order. I already told you it's a screening mammogram.
me: If you won't get your order I can't schedule. I'm sorry.
pt: It's just a screening mammogram. Why can't you schedule?
me: I'm sorry. That's the protocol. If you won't get your order from downstairs I cannot schedule you. I need that information from the order.
pt: Then I'm not coming to your hospital for my mammogram! That's ridiculous!
me: I mean, it's literally downstairs. All you have to do is go down and get it and we can set up an appointment.
pt: I'm calling a different hospital! This is the dumbest protocol I've ever heard!! *click*
Lazy biatch.
*giving patient instructions to new location for mammogram*
me: You'll check in at---
pt: Where is that?
me: Right at the corner of--
pt: Stop, I'll find it.
me: So you don't want me to give you instructions?
pt: I'm not a child. I can find it.
me: Wanting directions doesn't make you a child. I can give you the directions it's not a big deal.
pt: I'm good. Bye. *click
me:
pt: Hi. My doctor scheduled a test and no one has called me with reminders.
me: Well all reminders are sent through MyChart. Would you like me to send you the information to sign up?
pt: No. I want nothing to do with that. Just put my number down and have them call me.
me: Your number is already on file. Like I said, reminders are only done through MyChart.
pt: But, I don't want MyChart.
me: I'm sorry, then you'll have to just remember when your appointment is.
pt: My doctor scheduled it though! What is the prep?! These are things I'm supposed to know. How do I do this if I don't have a reminder call?
me: Anytime we schedule with doctor's offices we go over prep instructions. They are supposed to pass that along to the patients as well as appointment times.
pt: OMG can you just tell me if I'm scheduled or not?
me:
me: *place where I work* scheduling, how can I help you?
pt: I need an oral surgeon for my son. I'm 80 but he's an adult. He's not a mature adult though, so that's why I'm calling.
me: We only schedule outpatient testing in our department. You'll have to call a surgeons office.
pt: Well why didn't you state that you were outpatient scheduling when you answered the phone!!!
me: The hold message does state that you need your order to schedule.. um...
pt: You need to tell patients what kind of scheduling you are. Now I look stupid. How am I supposed to find a surgeon?! This is ridiculous!!!
me: I mean, you can google it. That's your best bet. Look up organ surgeons near me and see what pops up.
pt: I don't know what Google is. I don't have a computer.
me: It sounds like you do know what google is if you say you don't have a computer...
pt: I already told you. I don't know the Google. Gosh, are you even listening to me??
me: Great, how about using a phone book. Those can work.
pt; You're seriously telling me that you expect me to look in a phone book? Just send me to a surgeons office! There has to be one in the hospital!!
me: Typically oral surgeons are not in the hospital, they are their own facility. I don't have any number for one.
pt: OMG STOP WASTING MY TIME JUST SEND ME TO A SURGEON.
me:
Some people can be so dramatic.
pt: I need to schedule my breast imaging.
me: Is it a screening or diagnostic mammogram?
pt: I can't read this.
me: Can you spell any of the words on the order? Or make out anything on there?
pt: Nope, I can't read a single word.
me: Well, if you are unable to read the order you'll have to call the office to have them fax us the order. That way we have the information and can get you scheduled for the correct test.
pt: OMG I GIVE UP ON LIFE!!! *click*
me:
pt: I need a mammogram.
me: Okay, do you have your order?
pt: I do, yes.
me: Great, is it a screening or diagnostic mammogram?
pt: Annual screening.
me: And does it have 3D or tomo written anywhere on the order?
pt: Well I don't actually have the order so I don't know.
me: You just said you had the order. So you don't really?
pt: I do not.
me: You'll have to call your doctor then to have them fax us the copy as we do need that information to schedule.
30 MINUTES LATER
pt: I need a mammogram. My doctor said they faxed it 20 minutes ago.
me: It doesn't appear that we have any orders for you. It may not have come through yet.
pt: But they said they sent it! Why don't you have it!?
me: Like I said, it may not have come through yet. You can always call the office and have them fax it over again just to be safe.
pt: Well why can't you do that? I already told you I called them. Now it's your turn.
me: Oh, it's my turn? Interesting... I guess I'll give them a call and see what they say.
*PUTS PT ON HOLD, CALLS OFFICE*
me: Hi, this patient said they called you about 30 minutes ago to have an order faxed and you sent it. We haven't received it so do you mind sending it again?
office: Yeah, we never got a phone call from that patient. I am not quite sure why she said we called. But yes, I will fax it over for you.
*BACK TO PATIENT*
me: Hi, yes. I actually spoke with the office and they said they never spoke with you this morning to fax us a copy.
pt: Yeah I didn't want to call so I told you it was your turn. I didn't actually call them at all.
me:
pt: Hi, I need to schedule an appointment.
me: What is your name?
pt: Karen.
me: ...and your last name?
pt: I already told you Karen. Do I need to give you both?
me: Yes, I need both.
pt: Karen Jerkface.
me: And your date of birth?
pt: OMG you need that too?!
me: Yes, we are required to ask that to verify who you are.
pt: That's just too much! I don't want to do that!
me: Well I can't schedule anything then.
me: *place where I work scheduling how can I help you?
pt: I don't need to schedule anything. I just need someone to help me get out of my bed.
me: Um, I'm sorry how did you get sent to scheduling?
pt: I don't even know where I am.
me: I have absolutely no idea how to help you. There should be call buttons in your hospital room. That will bring a nurse in to help you.
pt: No! I just need someone to help me out of my bed!
me: Push your call button.
pt: Why can't you come help me? Hurry! I need help getting out of bed!
me: I'm really confused what is happening here.
me: *place where I work* scheduling, how can I help you?
pt: Hi, my doctor gave me a scrip for my knee pain and CVS needs pre-approval. Can you approve it please?
me: Oh, you have the wrong number. This is the scheduling department.
pt: This isn't the doctor's office?
me: That's correct. This is central scheduling. We only schedule outpatient testing.
pt: So you can't get the approval then.
me: Ma'am, you are in the wrong place. Like I said, you have to call your doctor.
pt: But I thought this was my doctor.
me:
pt: Hi, I need to schedule an appointment for an echo.
me: Okay, next available is next Tuesday. Does that work for you?
pt: Well I'm going out of town I can't do that.
me: When will you be back?
pt: You can't get me in before next week?
me: Like I said, next available is next Tuesday. They have nothing before then.
pt: But I'll be out of town next week.
me: So when will you be back?
pt: I come back and then leave for Europe. I need this week. Are you sure there is nothing available?
me: No. There is nothing.
pt: But I need it. I just told you, I'm going out of town.
me: You'll have to try a different location then. I am sorry, next available is next Tuesday.
pt: Ridiculous! You can't accommodate me? You'll be losing a patient!
me: I'm sorry, there is nothing I can do. Their schedule is full this week. If you wanted to try later for a cancellation, feel free. But other than that there is nothing I can do.
pt: I'm calling your boss!
me:
me: Thank you for calling *place where I work* scheduling how can I help you?
pt: Hi, can you check if my husband has blood work in the system? It was put in by the doctor through *name of other hospital* and they said it should be in your system.
me: Well if it was put in by a different hospital, then it won't be in our system.
pt: They told me to call *name of other hospital* to schedule.
me: Then you should call them, because we don't have any orders here.
pt: I'm confused. Why did they tell me to call *name of other hospital*?
me: Because that's where his information is. You aren't calling that hospital, you are calling *place where I work* instead.
pt: So I need to call them?
me: That's what I said, yes.
pt: Well what is their number?
me: Considering they are a different hospital, I am not sure. You'll have to look it up.
pt: Why can't you just tell me? You work there.
me: You are calling *place where I work* not *name of other hospital*. You want *name of other hospital* and I do not have their contact number. You have to look it up on your own.
pt: So you can't google it for me? Or call around and see what the number is?
me: I'm sorry, there are other calls I have to take, I cannot call around to get that number for you. You'll have to look it up on your own. There isn't much I can to do to help.
pt: Ugh. Fine. *click
me:
me: Place where I work scheduling, how can I help you?
pt: Listen lady this is what I need. I need a stress test.
me: Okay, what kind of stress test?
pt: I don't know, the one for your heart.
me: All stress tests are for your heart. Can you please read to me what your order says?
pt: I can't read this lady, it's just a stress test. A test for the heart, like I already said.
me: Well I need to know what kind of stress tests because there are different ones. Do you have your doctor's phone number?
pt: You need to relax lady, quit dismissing me and just schedule the damn test!
me: Sir, do not talk to me like that.
pt: Well you just need to do your damn job and schedule a stress test! It's not that hard!
me: I will not be scheduling anything if you are talking to me like that. I need this information to do my job, like you say you want me to do. So if you continuing to be rude I won't be helping you.
pt: UGH! Fine. Relax lady, I know how to read. It says nuclear stress test. Does this mean you can schedule me now? I mean damn.
me:
pt: I got a message saying to call scheduling ASAP because it's urgent.
me: Who left you the message?
pt: Well I don't know, it said call so I called.
me: I can't help you because I wasn't the one who called you so I'm not sure why the message was left.
pt: Just look up at my account and tell me why I needed to call.
me: I am looking. There are no notes or anything. That's why I need the name of the person who called you.
pt: You're useless.
me:
pt: Will they call me with a reminder before my appointment?
me: All reminders are done through MyChart, so once you complete your registration for that the reminders will come.
pt: Well why wouldn't they just call patients? I'm not going to remember.
me: Like I said, complete your registration for MyChart and you'll be able to get reminders.
pt: No, I want them to personally call me. I already told you I won't remember my appointment.
me: Do you have your Medicare card? The one that is red, white, and blue?
pt: Red, white, and blue how do you do??
me:
On today's episode: the responses to "*Place Where I Work* scheduling, how can I help you?"
"Hi, I'm calling in sick tomorrow to work so I figured you could add me to the mammogram schedule."
"Hi, Is a CT scan the same as a CAT scan? If so, can you schedule for my husband's whole body rather than the abdomen like the order says? He needs literally everything looked at cause he's a mess."
"Hi, I have been waiting on hold for 4 minutes so you better help me right away or I'm reporting you."
"Hi, I was on the phone with someone and we lost connection. That's quite rude."
"Finally a real person! I need help! Now!"
"Hi, I need to schedule a breast augmentation for my 13 year old."
"Well hello there dear, I need my mammeogram."
There is only so much disrespect a person can take.
pt: I need a CT scan.
me: What is the diagnosis?
pt: I don't know.
me: Is there anything on the order that says assessments, or DX, or an ICD 10 code?
pt: I can't read anything it's doctor chicken scratch.
me: Well, I do need the diagnosis before I can schedule. I can ca--
pt: WELL WHAT THE F*CK DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT THAT!?
me: Please do not yell at me like that.
pt: WELL YOU'RE BEING A F*CKING IDIOT! I TOLD YOU I CAN'T READ IT!
me: I'm not going to schedule anything if you keep talking to me like that.
pt: Well what do you want me to do about that? I can't read it and I don't know what's wrong with me. That's why I need the test, duh!
me: If you wouldn't have let me finish my statement earlier, you would have heard me say that I can call the doctor's office to get that diagnosis if you give me the phone number.
pt: That's your job to look that up.
me: It's my job to schedule your appointment, not look up your doctor's phone number. Do you have the doctor's phone number?
pt: Oh my god, just f*cking look it up.
me:
Friends, let me tell you hanging up on that person was the most satisfying thing I did all day long. I will not talk to you while you're being rude like that.
HOLY CRAP. Today was a long day. Can it be the weekend already?
pt: Hi, I need to cancel my appointment for tomorrow.
me: Great! It's been canceled, you're all set.
pt: Woah, woah, woah, wait a second. I want to reschedule my appointment. My schedule is wide open. I'll take any day, any time.
me: What about July 14th?
pt: That works.
me: Great. You're all set now for Wednesday, July 14.
pt: Actually, I have Mondays and Fridays off. Can you look for one of those days instead?
me: 
pt: I have an order for blood work. Is that just a walk in?
me: Yep, just a walk in. Open Monday through Saturday.
pt: And you said that you had a number for me to schedule a vaccine?
me: Wait, I said that?
pt: Yeah, you just said that.
me: I'm sorry I am confused. When did I say that?
pt: Well you didn't, but I want a phone number.
All this and it's not even noon. Can it be the weekend already?
8:40AM
pt: I left a message 40 minutes ago and haven't gotten a call back yet. Is *lady in the department (LITD) here yet?
me: I'm not sure I'd have to transfer you.
pt: That's so unprofessional I need to talk to LITD.
me: I'm sorry she hasn't called you back yet, but it is still early. She may not be in the office just yet. Like I said, I'd have to transfer you.
pt: All medical staff needs to be in by 7am. I need my appointment ASAP and I will not wait any longer.
9:15AM
pt: I'm rescheduling for my husband.
me: For the US Abdomen?
pt: That's the test, but it's for his butt.
me: I'm sorry?
pt: His butt. He has a bump on his butt. I dunno, he's a weird guy. He looks funny now.
me:
9:45AM
pt: Hi, I am calling because my mother has rib pain and she needs an appointment.
me: Do you have an order for an outpatient test or are you calling to schedule with a doctor's office?
pt: Doctor's appointment. She needs a doctor.
me: We only schedule outpatient testing do you'll have to call her doctor's offce directly to set up an appointment.
pt: Well what doctor?
me: Her PCP or specialist, whoever she typically sees as her doctor.
pt: Well is the doctor in network with our insurance?
me: I can't tell you that, I only schedule outpatient testing. You have to call the office for that information.
pt: Well why can't you just tell me?
me: Like I just said, I only schedule outpatient testing. Call the doctors office for that information.
pt: But I want you to tell me.
*how I imagined her in my head*
On this episode: do appointment times really matter?
me: This test is only done Monday through Friday.
patient: Y'all don't do weekends?
me: That's correct. Only Monday through Friday. Which day works better for you?
pt: Well what times are available?
me: Earliest is 8am. Latest is 3pm.
pt: Okay, I want your next 3pm.
me: Great, next available is 3pm next Thursday.
pt: I'll take it. Just tell the department I'll be there at 330.
me: No, I'm sorry I can't do that. The test is at 3pm and you have to arrive by 245. If you should up at 330 they will reschedule you.
pt: I can't do that. I work. I would have to get there late. I want the 3pm.
me: I can't put you at 3pm if you plan to arrive at 330pm. The test starts at 3pm, that means if you're late the department will not see you.
pt: Well I'm sure other people show up late. There ain't no way people makin' their appointment on time with such a crappy availability.
me: I'm sorry, if you don't plan to arrive at 245 then I cannot schedule you.
pt: This ridiculous. Y'all have to take me. I need this test done. They can just work faster after I show up late to make up the time.
me: Then if you need this test you'll have to make something work like everyone else and find a way to be there at 245p. Your test will start at 3pm.
On today's episode: some people really don't listen.
me: Alright, and your test will be at a new location, would you like the address?
patient: No, that's okay I've been having my tests done there for years. I know exactly where it is.
me: That's not possible, they just moved tests there in May. Would you like the address?
pt: Wait...you're telling me they moved?
me: Yes, that's what I just said. So....would you like the address?
me: Okay, so they have a 1230p or 130p available. Which would you prefer?
pt: Great, so 1pm.
me: No, they have a 1230p or 130p. Which one would you like?
pt: Yes, that's great. 1pm.
me: Ma'am, I said 130p. Not 1pm. They do not have a 1pm.
pt: But I want the 1pm. Fine, I guess I will settle for the 130pm.
